Wednesday, March 11, 2009

chuck norris birthday

Many B-list stars kicked many an ass in the 80's and 90's, like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal and the like. These decades were a very good time for martial arts and ass-kicking stars who couldn't act to camp it up with their fists. Chuck Norris was one of those big stars, clobbering villains in movies and TV. But unlike those other monosyllabic fighters who burned out after a while, Chuck Norris is still as famous as ever. The Chuck Norris cult celebrates the 69'th birthday of their hero today.

People may be shocked that Chuck Norris's birthday makes him 69 today. But Chuck Norris defies age, facts, and all other things in the known universe. At least according to the various 'facts' about him on the Internet.

Chuck Norris celebrates his birthday after about 45 years of punching people down. Norris was a karate champion for 10 years, and a celebrated karate teacher. Norris later took his style to movies and television, starring in many B-movies, and one B-TV show.

For eight seasons, Norris brought justice to Texas as Walker, Texas Ranger. The series, and Norris, got an additional boost when Conan O'Brian introduced his "Walker, Texas Ranger lever" to Late Night, displaying the most insane moments from that show completely out of context.

Norris got additional fame in today's generation for various crazy Internet 'facts' posted about his power. Norris has risen to the level of superman by killing two stones with one bird, staring down books for facts, scaring outer space, and much more, according to the facts.

Norris has also lent his power to campaigning for Republicans like George H.W. Bush and Mike Huckabee. Norris was even credited for "making" Huckabee when it looked like he might win the nomination - mostly by Conan O'Brian, who was trying to claim Huckabee himself. He even saved the day for Vince Vaughn at the end of Dodgeball.

Chuck Norris has additional fame for elevating the power of his birthday. Even a God-king like Norris has to share his birthday with other powerful people, and he shares it with an unusual amount of celebrities today.

In Honor of Chuck Norris’ 69th Birthday, We Run Down the Top 10 Things Chuck has Ever Done

10. The Total Gym - Have you ever actually used the total gym? This thing is a miracle of modern science. It actually does give you a really good work out. Then again, what else would you expect from the man? I don’t want to live in a world where Chuck would lie to us about effectiveness of a product that he endorses.

9. Lone Wolf McQuade - Just watch the trailer. Hopefully the Walker Texas Ranger people paid royalties based on their outright theft of this movie’s plot to come up with a TV show

8. Chuck Norris Karate Commandos - Hopefully, you’ve seen this before. If not, I would advise sitting tight for the next 3 minutes.

7. Super Chuck Norris Brothers - Okay, he didn’t actually do this, but it’s pretty sweet

6. Chuck Norris reading Chuck Norris facts - You can’t say this guy isn’t a good sport. I tire of the jokes, but I don’t tire of Chuck reading them.

5. Wore Awesome Glasses (22 second mark) and Killed a Mass Murderer in The Hero and the Terror. I don’t think I would ever take those glasses off if I found them in real life. If I had cataract surgery later in life, these would also be the perfect glasses for the recovery. I would be buried in these glasses.

4. The Missing in Action Series - Stephen Segal wakes up in cold sweats of fear when he dreams of doing anything near this cool on the big screen.

3. Single-handedly stop a Russian invasion in Invasion U.S.A -

2. Starting the MMA craze in this episode of Walker Texas Ranger

1. The first two Delta Force Movies - I’m a fan of Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Damme, but pound for pound, there has not been an ass-kicker like Norris in these movies. I think real life Columbian drug lords probably went into hiding for a few years after seeing these movies.